The Real Chuck

Some of you may have noticed the internet culture reverence for Chuck Norris, 70′s karate dude. The schtick consists of a collection of hyperbolic “truths” regarding Chuck Norris’ prowess and magnificence. Like, “Chuck Norris once stared in a Godzilla movie and kicked Godzilla’s ass so bad that he retired from fighting and wrote the Land Before Time movies for Disney.” That’s an original, by the way.

In any case, Chuck Norris is funny, but he’s nothing more than a hairy-chested redneck orangutan compared the real Chuck:  Chuck “the Iceman” Liddell.

If you don’t know, now you know.

Chuck Liddell’s roundhouse kick is stronger than Chuck Norris’, but he’s such a badass he hasn’t had to use it since 1993.

Chuck Liddell’s mohawk was first sculpted by Frank Lloyd Wright before stepping over his thesis advisor on his way to becoming the greatest architect of the 20th century.

Chuck Liddell competed in the World’s Strongest Man competition in 1995 but was disqualified when he destroyed the tow-car using a series of low-kicks, shattering it to pieces.

Chuck Liddell once had sex with 10 underage girls in the same night and then woke up in a bar, beating everyone up severely with his shoe. He would have been guilty of statutory rape except Chuck was 14 at the time.

Chuck Liddell’s abs are actually four extra sets of pecs, and each of them can bench more than Chuck Norris can.

Chuck Liddell once declared, as a joke, his intention to fight a boxer recently diagnosed with HIV–everyone laughed.

One of the lost books of the Bible mentions the eighth sign of the apocolypse:  Chuck Liddell will loose twice in a row. Even though this has already happened, God doesn’t want to come down because he’s afraid of reminding Chuck that he lost to Keith Jardine.

More men have gotten laid because a woman saw Chuck Liddell on TV and subsequently had sex with the first guy she saw, than by any other reason–including wealth, power, and looks.

Chuck Liddell works for the city, towing illeagaly parked cars by hand just to get an extra workout in before lunch.

The Chinese characters on Chuck’s head are complete jibberish meaning “Sky Man Bush Sauce” but after Chuck’s first fight in Japan, the emperor changed the characters for Hokkaido Island to “Sky Man Bush Sauce” in his honor.

Chuck’s high school sweetheart was a woman thirty years older than him who invented double penetration as a porn actress in the 70′s.

Chuck Liddell has no enemies over the age of 12, because that’s when he considers them “fair game”.

Chuck Liddell once left his backpack at a college bar. An English woman stole his creative writing homework from the bag and used it to write the plots to every Harry Potter book published ever since.

After a night of hard drinking, Chuck Liddell finds his way home by sprinting randomly into streets and buildings until he can’t hear traffic anymore.

Spike TV gives Chuck Liddell 2,500 dollars every time he masturbates. Which is never.